My 10 Favorite TV Commercials.

1. Super Mario RPG

2. Kibbles ‘n Bits Lean

3. Chicken McNuggets

4. Pepsi / Cindy Crawford

5. Spuds McKenzie Olympics

6. Resident Evil 2 (Brad Renfro / George Romero)

7. Ariana Grande 

8. Jumbo Video (Rick Moranis)

9. The Real Ghostbusters Toys

10. Pooch Patrol

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Quotes From The Video Store.

Right after highschool, I got a job at Hollywood Video. Here are random quotes from customers.

 

“Did you know….Spongebob….is gay? Did YOU know? Spongebob….is GAY?”-a little kid renting The Spongebob Squarepants Movie with his grandfather.

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“Hudda Budda Fudda Dutta Lutta Cutta Futta Huddaa Buddaaa Boooo….BABY  GENIUSESSSSSS TWOOOOOOOOOOO”-little black kid singing and renting Baby Geniuses 2 with his mother (she wasn’t singing with him).

“Do you have Pi?”- Very attractive girl that worked at Pizza Hut. She gave me a blowjob when I slept over her apartment.

A True Man: You got DAT Friday Night Lights? Yeaaaah heard it was DA best movie ever made!

Me: I kind of FUCKING doubt that.

Man Cake With Dad Legs: YOU GOT DAT UP THE RIVER?

Me: ::laughing:: What?!

Man Cake With Dad Legs: UP THE RIVER? YOU GOT THAT UP THE RIVER? WITH THAT GUY!

Me: Without A Paddle?

Man Cake With Dad Legs: NAH, UP THAT RIVER! THE…THE RIVER!

Me: Is Seth Green in it?

Man Cake With Dad Legs: YEAH!

Me: Ok, you want Without A Paddle? We have it on the New Releases wall.

Man Cake With Dad Legs: NO! UP THE RIVER!

We could also get cardboard cut outs to put up in the store for new movies. When it was time to take apart and throw away Meet The Fockers, I took a piece of it and made a sign for a fake horror movie called NIGHT OF THE CATS.

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“Wow, your brother would really like that!”-A hot mom pointing at The Night Of The Cats sign.

Also, years after I got FIRED, I got a notice in the mail that was addressed to ROBERT KUMPAS to return The Notebook.

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I night you’ll remember for the rest of your life…

Sleep Paralysis. 

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My first time.

I recall an incident earlier in my life, after coming home from summer camp. I remember laying down on the couch and looking at the clock. I was still looking at the clock when I realized I could no longer move or speak. Not much time I had passed, and I was able to jump up, move, and speak again. But that wasn’t the scary time. The time that I consider my first Sleep Paralysis attack…

I was 19. My bedroom was in the basement of my parents’ house. I went down to my room to lay down for a nap. I was exhausted from a stupid day at college, with APPLE MAN walking at a boombox sarcastic and turning it down, and then telling my gym class to “GET BUSY”.

I was laying in bed and felt myself dozing off. From the top of the steps, I heard a voice that I can only describe as a “metallic” Jerry Seinfeld, shouting out “Hello? Hello?”

I was scared, and tried to move. I couldn’t. I tried to yell (to my parents? to Seinfeld?) but no sound would come out. I tried to roll over to my left, I couldn’t. I tried my right side, I was frozen. I heard strange noises coming from both sides of my room. Scratching? Moaning? Not sure. The voice at the top of the steps was still calling out. Then a knife ripped through all of the sound, and it was silent in the room. Except for two little voices whispering in my left ear. I knew they were hunched down at the top corner of my bed, but I couldn’t turn my head to see them. The voices of two children. They were laughing at me. And then they whispered…

“Oh Bobby, how does it feel to know that you are dying?”

The sounds began again. Louder than before. The voice at the top of the steps was screaming. The room felt like it was closing in. I was dead, I thought. And everything Li’l Bobby learned about HELL in church was true. And that was where I was going. I died in my sleep, and they came to bring me back to Hell with them.

And then I could move again. i jumped up, gasping for breath, in a cold sweat. The voices, the sounds, and Jerry Seinfeld were all gone.

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“You’re that geeky Stephen King kid – there’s one of you in every school.”

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Highschool feels like a life time ago. It doesn’t even seem like it took place on the same planet I am currently residing on. Also a school year felt like 9 of my “adult years”.

Shit That Happened In Highschool.

9th Grade.

My speech & drama teacher in said something along the lines of

“You can only truly hate someone if you once loved them.”

My biology teacher looked like the clown that falls down the steps in Clown House

I joined what I guess would be considered the AV Club and became an anchor on the school’s morning announcements. I later was kicked off after a fake announcement about “THE BATTLE OF THE ALLIGATORS”.

I got expelled for having a green mohawk. It was “considered a weapon”.

I had a dream about having sex with a girl I saw during a fire drill wearing a leopard print shirt. So the next day I gave her my phone number and she told me on the phone that her step dad was in a hardcore band. I eventually asked her out and she told me she had to go to the video store with her and friend and would call me back, but she never did. The next day in school, a kid who looked like a real shitty Karate Kid dummy in her home room told me he heard her say “Bobby is cute, but he sounded desperate.” I blame listening to The Juliana Theory for that. I probably said something really lame. I should have quoted Reel Big Fish. Anyway, she now has missing teeth and like four kids with permanent syrup stuck to their face. All different dads. I dodged a bullet. But it probably would have been a really awesome 1999 blowjob.

I was walking home with a video camera and a kid who looked like a MOON jumped out of his car and tried to fight me. His friend looked like Quasimodo if he listened to Smashing Pumpkins.

Me and my best friend were both in The Spring Play, but we both have small roles, so we used to sneak out of the auditorium and cause destruction. For example, I hated my Spanish teacher and the picture of her and Regis Philbin she had on her desk. So we trashed her classroom, and I threw the picture in the toilet in the boy’s bathroom. They started locking every classroom the following week. We would also leave the school and roam around West Scranton with huge rocks, and we would play a game where if we saw the “light from a tv” in a house window, we would throw the rock through it. We never got caught for vandalizing the school or breaking anyone’s window, but one night when we were returning to the auditorium, a SENIOR scolded us for “PUTTING A TIE ON THE DOOR AND LOCKING US OUT!” Something we didn’t even do.

I ended up being in an anti-drug and DATE RAPE school play, directed by one of Jason Miller’s best friends. He actually showed up to the premiere, drunk off his ass, and talked to me about The Exorcist for 20 minutes. I was straight edge at the time, and ironically played a drug dealer that gets beaten with a baseball bat at a keg party. We “toured” all the local schools putting the play on. I ended up meeting a really hot hillbilly girl with an AFI hoodie in Carbondale. We went on a really awkward date to the STEAMTOWN MALL.

One day this gothic “new girl” showed up to school. She still has my MxPx cassette tape. She was the first girl who’s bedroom I ever went in. The first thing I saw was her nasty PERIOD BLOOD underwear laying in the corner. We went to Sea Sea’s and I got mad that was flirting with the guy from KORR, so we stopped hanging out.

I started a punk rock band called ALFHOLE. We would play at Cafe Del Sol a lot.

That’s all I can really think of from 9th grade.

10th, 11th, and 12th coming soon….

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